The top maths scolars sat attentively awaiting their instructions from the learned Professor Barley (Ron Lobek). All that is, except for a trio of scruffy n'er do wells names Harmie Flinty and Parrott.
The assembled brainboxes represented the cream of Holcombian mathematical talent. All the usual suspects were there, Alistair Stone (Steven Hawkins), Jackson (Hesseltine) and Ian Mitchell (Isaac Newton). Interesting Ian knew ALL the facts.
Harmie was taking notes and drawing straight lines with the long edge of 'Bolly', which remains to this day the longest set square ever to be produced since the Cold War ended in 1865.
"Excuse me Mr Barley" piped Mitchell, "When are we going to move onto molecular equations, you see, i need to know ALL the facts."
Mr Barley laughed. He smelled of B&H and raw grated nicotine. He also had a ridiculous lisp and had a silly voice akin to the ducklike squawking of Herne Bay's dishy 'Grouse' Rouse.
"In good time Ian, in good time."
Parrott was known for two things, having a shovel foot on the soccer pitch, and being a bit of Joker in the Pack. He was fond of poking Flinty in the ribs and hitting him on the head (known as a Jabberwocky) whilst calling him 'as obstinate as a mule'.
Anyway, on this special day, in the shadow of the smokers den, Parrott (later to become Veron) was finding amusement by telling Flinty and Harmie 'hilarious' new jokes of his own creation.
"Flinty, flinty!" he whispered rather too loudly, "What did the window cleaner say to the old lady? Look before you leap!"
Harmie laughed into his hand at the sheer rubbsihness of the joke.
As everyone knows, Flinty has a very serious problem with the giggles, just ask anyone who attended Gatting's wedding recently.
"Flinty, Flinty...what did the baker say after closing his shop for the night? Never look a gift horse in the mouth!"
Harmie and Flinty now started chuckling like a pair of loon, but unbeknownst to them, Barley had been watching them lark about with a look of contempt. Parrott picked up on the bad vibe coming from Lobek and got his head down amongst his algebra. Parrot never gets caught. Harmie soon followed suit, sensing that trouble was brewing. But Flinty, poor Flinty, he just could seem to stop. In fact, he was so inspired that he thought a joke up of his own and wanted Parrott to hear it. Their was an exciment in his voice.
"Parrott, Parrott, here's one for you..." he said very loudly.
With an almighty roar, Lobek shattered the room's academic silence.
"CWAIG GWEEN....GET OUT!!!!!!"
The room fell silent, punctured only by the occasional titter of Harmie's and Parrott's giggling.
Well, what a shock. Flinty stood up slowly with the eyes of the room upon him, shuffled past the rows of the desks and left the classroom.
After waiting outside for a few moments Flinty thought, 'i'm off!' and went for a little walk about the school gorunds.
The classroom was still in shock at the surpise ejection of the people's favourite Flinty Flintoff. Lobek must have picked up on this as well. 'Maybe', he thought to himself, 'by making an example of Flinty, i may make people suspect that i practice PVism. I better get him back in and make an apology!'
He cleared his throat and said in his calmest and clearest voice, in the direction of the door.
"Come in Green."
There was no reply.
"I said come in Green!"
Again, nothing.
"CWAIG GREEN COME IN!"
But of course, Flinty was nowhere to be seen. He had gone for a walk! Harmie and Parrott chuckled to themselves at seeing Flinty made an ass of.
Later that day, we all looked back on the incident and laughed and Hoggard made Flinty feel better by attempting to bugger Lee Ells, much to the amusement of the embryonic Anti-Vaughnites.
They got their revenge on Lobek some months later. Spoon and Robocop 2 infiltrated Lobek's sinister underground lair and 'did it'.
The two partners in crime came bounding into the common room, red faced and shaking with excitement.
"Look what we did!" shouted Robocop 2.
WE followed them down the winding tunnels to Lobek's den, rubbing our hands at the prospect of seeing a room well and truly trashed. The room, however, was immaculate. Plush leather furniture and important looking books dominated the room.
I threw a confused glance at Harmie, who shrugged his shoulders believing this to be one of 'mairk's' silly jokes. But the felons were still laughing and congratulating themselves.
And then i spotted it.
Carefully placed in on the wall, poking out at right angles, was a long, pink feather duster.
We legged it back to common room and celebrated by organising an impromptu funk circle and grooving to Beethoven's 5th, of course.
